Why ICSD Should Leave the United States of America
The innovation and progress of the ICSD has been stifled by federal and state restrictions for decades. Despite the admirable work the district has already done in advancing towards a totalitarian educational state, further progress is stymied by the district’s continued presence in the US. The Tattler Editorial Board contends that it is in the best interest of students, staff, and especially the ICSD administration, to secede from the US and form a new government—with Dr. Brown at its forefront as our Supreme Overlord.
Although secession has not been used in the past as a tool for good, ICSD’s process of secession will ultimately provide beneficial results. The Tattler Editorial Board has created a foolproof plan to make this complicated process possible. While the City of Ithaca itself would continue to be a part of the US, ICSD buildings and the surrounding land would form their own nation, with each school becoming a separate state. The new country formed by ICSD would become an autocratic police state with no constitutional rights and a strict code of law, governed by none other than the Supreme Overlord himself, Luvelle Brown. He would have absolute power over all students and staff. This new position would finally give Dr. Supreme Overlord Brown the respect and reverence he deserves.
Naturally, any political opposition that could decrease the political power wielded by Dr. Supreme Overlord Brown should not be tolerated. Any emergent political parties such as the liberal “Brain Team” or the revolutionary “Code Red” would be brutally suppressed. Although this may sound barbaric, one must consider that in a nation as small as ours, all people would need to work in unison, or we would not be able to defend against invaders and prosper economically. Functioning as a cohesive unit requires a strong leader, and any dissent would only divide us. All citizens must report solely to Dr. Supreme Overlord Brown. Punishments would include prison time in lower York where students would be tormented with IHS Connects episodes on endless repeat. Of course, the writ of habeas corpus would be indefinitely suspended during ICSD’s secession process.
The Tattler Editorial Board suggests that the administration forms a panel of IHS English teachers who would fully work out the intricacies of ICSD’s incredibly complicated hierarchical system. They would take inspiration from their knowledge of George Orwell’s 1984 government system, among other utopian literary universes. History teachers could also participate on the panel, providing valuable intel on medieval feudal systems and dictatorial states of history.
Of course, ICSD would still be an isolated nation in a harsh world, even with the infallible guidance of Dr. Supreme Overlord Brown, the savviest superintendent the district has ever seen. In response, the Tattler Editorial Board proposes the formation of an ICSD Padded Forces. This new dominant legion of fearsome football players would serve honorably and protect the district with their innovative tactics derived from wide receiver routes and handoffs. Microwaved root vegetables would be passed from player to player in a game of literal “hot potato” in order to strike fear into the hearts of opposing forces. Linemen would fight in the trenches, wielding helmets and tackle dummies to engage in shock and awe tactics with ICSD’s bitter enemies.
The economy of this new dictatorship would be run on the e-currency Luvecoin (see “Luvecoin Takes ICSD by Storm,” April 2022). Due to its incredibly low value in the outside world—one US dollar would theoretically be worth the entire economic output of ICSD in Luvecoin—the currency will largely prevent the district from engaging in trade with other nations. The Tattler Editorial Board has also found the current triangle desks to have insufficient sides for engaged learning, so we suggest that students be put to work making pentagonal desks and hexagonal desks, supervised by administrators and teachers. In fact, the Tattler Editorial Board proposes the revision of ICSD’s slogan from “6000+ thinkers” to “1 thinker and 5999+ mindless drones” to reflect the change in students’ status.
The process of secession would help students in a myriad of ways. ICSD has been struggling with student discipline for years. One of the clearest causes of constant student misbehavior is students’ pesky constitutional rights, which keep getting in the way of enforcing discipline. If ICSD secedes, we would truly be able to establish a totalitarian police state and ensure an orderly environment for all students. Replacing ordinary suspension with detention in the aforementioned Lower York dungeons would surely go far further to prevent repeat offenders than any steps ICSD has made in the past. ICSD, and especially IHS, has also been tethered by organized student movements in recent years. So far, the administration has been forced to tolerate student dissent, but with the removal of all student rights, ICSD would be free to crack down upon students who speak out against the new state. The Culture of Fear that this would cultivate would make us more efficient and unified.
In order to sniff out any anti-ICSD traitors, the Tattler Editorial Board proposes the formation of an ICSD secret police, consisting of a single member: Ms. Hardesty. She will be responsible for ensuring that all students are engaged wholeheartedly in pushing ICSD forward. If students begin to congregate in bathrooms to plot to create decagonal instead of pentagonal desks, Ms. Hardesty will be there. If students find their way into Upper K to contemplate the merits of dropping out, Ms. Hardesty will be there. And if students wander into an empty classroom to sketch plans for their underground hiding spot, they will find Ms. Hardesty waiting behind the shovel shed.
The Tattler Editorial Board does acknowledge that thrusting students into an entirely new economic system with its only goal being the further enrichment of those at its upper echelons may have some effects on students’ learning. However, to this, we respond: Where amongst our core values is the word “learning” present? What about “education”? Clearly, neither of these are the forefront goals of ICSD, and nor should they be the goals of our newly seceded state. What is far more valuable in a newly created nation, especially one such as ICSD, where the citizens may, unfortunately, be reluctant to accept their new rulers, is nationalism. As such, the Tattler Editorial Board calls for a new curriculum focused on instilling a sense of patriotism in students, beginning with the youngest kindergartners.
Part of this new curriculum should include new national holidays for all students and staff. Valentine’s Day, for instance, should be replaced with Luventine’s Day, where all students and teachers send cards, candy, and other gifts to Dr. Supreme Overlord Brown, declaring their undying love and devotion. The Fourth of July will be replaced with whatever date ICSD chooses to secede on. Instead of fireworks, since ICSD would be too poor to afford them, The Tattler Editorial Board proposes chucking the leftover root vegetables from the ICSD Padded Forces in a celebration of learning and freedom.
ICSD’s older students pose a more significant problem to our burgeoning nation-state. To ensure the loyalty of middle and high school students, the Tattler Editorial Board proposes the creation of a new class: Honors Luve Studies. For those who want to cultivate a deeper understanding of Dr. Supreme Overlord Brown’s glorious mind, an AP version of the course would also be offered. The course’s final project would be spending a week with the Supreme Overlord himself. Students would be present at each of his meals and count the number of breaths he takes while sleeping. This would most certainly indoctrinate students with a servant-like devotion toward our great leader. To represent the bright future of our nation, The Tattler Editorial Board proposes a new set of core values: “Conformity is freedom. Knowledge is weakness. Dr. Supreme Overlord Brown is forever.”
