This week, it was announced that the administration of IHS has officially banned students from breathing to combat the vaping epidemic in IHS once and for all. The board cited the ominous fruit-scented cloud hanging around downstairs-H as the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back, as it appears that this vape cloud has started to gain sentience and is beginning to evolve into a higher form of being.
Many teachers and students had previously expressed their discontent with the current vaping situation, saying that the sentient fruit-scented vape cloud was becoming a distraction to them. When asked about what could be done about teen vaping, Mr. Kelly, IHS’s 35th-best teacher, said “It’s inevitable and unstoppable, really. As long as students breathe at IHS, students will vape.” Upon hearing this, the administration realized that they had finally found the solution to their problems: a school-wide ban on breathing.
There was a considerable amount of backlash over this new policy, as many students and teachers were concerned about the effects of this new policy, asking questions like “how will I get students to speak up in class if they aren’t allowed to breathe?” and “Won’t I actually die if I do this?” The administration did not comment in response to these questions, only saying that students should be driven by their search for knowledge, not their reliance on oxygen.
To help students adjust to this “admittedly disruptive” new policy, the administration is planning to gradually drain the oxygen from the IHS hallways, with plans to remove all oxygen from the air and completely vacuum seal the school by the end of Regents week. Mr. Trumble has expressed enthusiasm and optimism about this new policy, joking that this new change will most certainly create a “low-pressure environment.” Even so, many cynics are skeptical that this effort will actually yield useful results: “This new policy is only going to make life around IHS harder, it’s not gonna fix the problem.” This is coincidentally also what many said about the administration locking bathroom doors, which was the previous radical attempt to stop teen vaping.
Even with all the controversy surrounding it, the no-breathing policy is still going to be put in place by the end of April. Within a few weeks’ time, everyone at IHS (except for the administration, who are exempt from this policy and will all be provided with oxygen masks) will just have to take a big breath in and hope for the best.
