For decades, IHS faced a serious problem: no one knew the rules regarding support animals at school. However, on February 31, 2023, IHS remedied this issue, clearly announcing new rules regarding support animals, which ensured no further confusion. Firstly, in order to end the ostracization of Floridians, alligators will now be allowed in school as emotional support animals. I know that I, as well as others vaguely connected to Florida, will be bringing these cuddly animals to school. I was also pleased to learn that dogs will be banned from school. In my opinion, dogs are far too joyful for IHS’s target ambiance and emotional state, and I wholeheartedly agree with the decision to ban dogs. Let the students be sad and lonely—surely productivity will increase if students are not distracted by their own happiness.
Speaking of removing student joy, IHS has recently banned cell phones entirely, due to my own personal complaints of texting in class. Instead, teachers and the administration have agreed to my idea for a new inter-class messaging system: carrier pigeons. Students can bring in their own personal pigeons from home and attach letters to the birds, sending them to the class of their choice. In order to support this new effort, the English classrooms in Upstairs K must be turned into a nesting ground for the pigeons, similar to the owl system used by a famous British school (I won’t bother mentioning the name; it’s far too obscure for many of you to understand). Only then can we fully implement this new system of communication at IHS.
Although IHS has yet to announce any regulations regarding other wild animals, I believe more accommodations must be made for IHS to be a fully inclusive school. For the students who are training to become Roman gladiators, we must allow lions to be present in math classes so these students may practice. Swim team members should also be allowed to bring dolphins into school to support their learning, as marine biology is a crucial part of competitive swimming. This is incredibly necessary as it has become standard in the swimming world, but is yet to be implemented at IHS. Finally, in order to decrease car accidents, cars must be banned and the parking lot removed. Rather, students should either walk or ride horses to school, and the parking lot should be converted into a stable for the horses. Although I wholeheartedly agree with the new policies IHS has already implemented for the increased presence of animals at IHS, I implore the school to continue to expand these regulations, starting with the aforementioned lions, dolphins, and horses. The addition of these animals at IHS will be amazing and likely save thousands of lives, finally allowing the Culture of Luve to shine through in district policy! IHS, keep up the great work.
An image of IHS’s newly approved and super cuddly support animal species, the alligator, courtesy of Florida Weekly
