Krispy Kreme to Stop Donut Sales at IHS
By A KRISPY KREME SPOKESPERSON
Since 1995, Krispy Kreme has been an easy way for organizations to fundraise. However, the company recently made an announcement regarding its new policy of banning these fundraisers for schools that already have a surplus of money to pay for club events. “Ithaca High School has plenty of money to go around– there is no need for donuts over there,” said Krispy Kreme’s Fundraising President. The new announcement has been met with great frustration by IHS club officers, including Junior Class President Bella Zepp, who claimed, “Krispy Kreme is vital to our success as a class. No donuts, no prom.” The United States House Committee on Ethics will be conducting an investigation on where IHS money is going, if not to clubs. If it is determined by the Committee that clubs are not receiving enough money, Krispy Kreme will be quick to reinstate fundraiser privileges for students and vows to ban ICSD administrators from eating donuts ever again.
IHS Music to Merge
By CONCERNED SAXOPHONIST
At a recent Board of Education meeting, it was unanimously decided that IHS has had separate musical ensembles for long enough. The Board has ordered the creation of a new group with just thirty instrumentalists and singers chosen via a school-wide lottery. It is henceforth mandatory for any non-musician selected to learn their assigned instrument within three weeks. Penalties for failing to do so will range from in-school suspension to expulsion. All parents have been notified of this new development which will save the district thousands of dollars to spend on remodeling the football field.
Official IHS Mascot Changed
By CHICKEN LITTLE
IHS has a long-standing connection with Cornell University (“Big Red”) that inspired the moniker “Little Red” and the adoption of the bear as the school mascot. However, starting next year that lovable, cuddly ball of fur will be replaced with a maniacal chicken. The reasoning behind this change is that high schoolers’ raging hormones are better expressed by an animal that runs around crazily even after having its head chopped off.
Superintendent Elections
By AN ENGAGED VOTER
Just four weeks ago, Congress passed a bill requiring all public school superintendents to run for office every four years. Much to the chagrin of younger students, only high schoolers will be eligible to vote in Ithaca. Some candidates have already begun the process of campaigning, including current superintendent Luvelle Brown, and his bitter rival, Joe Biden, who has decided that running the country can take a backseat. Ithaca is where the action’s at.
All AP Courses are to be Abolished
By TERRIFIED ACADEMIC
In light of recent staffing shortages and low teacher pay, ICSD has proposed a new plan to phase out AP courses over the next three years. The Board of Education collectively decided that catering to academically minded students may no longer be feasible. Doing away with APs would result in layoffs for many teachers, whose salaries would be used to give raises to their remaining coworkers. This new policy has garnered huge opposition from students and parents alike, and the district will respond with their official decision by April 1.
