Despite the conspiracy theories floating around claiming that she’s alive and well, The Tattler is proud to be a reliable source here to tell you that Olivia Rodrigo has broken her arm.
What, exactly, was the cause of injury? While the FBI is still in the process of analyzing the tricky situation, the current hypothesis is that Rodrigo fell into an airplane toilet as she reached for her dropped driver’s license. The toilet had a large pipe through which she fell and broke her arm.
Immediately after the injury, protesters filled terminals of countless airports throughout the world, demanding airplane toilet pipes be made smaller in order to prevent more airplane-toilet-related incidents. President Joe Biden is expected to make an appearance at JFK International Airport on April 30, 2023, to address the pressing situation, with Vice President Kamala Harris and Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg by his side. In the meantime, airplane bathrooms across the world will have signs tacked to their doors, saying, “Enter At Your Own Risk.”
For students feeling great rage with the aerial transportation system of the United States, there will be a rally held at the Ithaca Tompkins International Airport on the same day as Biden’s speech at JFK Airport. The rally will be held at 9:04 AM, and all students are excused from their first and second-period classes to attend. There will be poster-making sessions in the cafeteria in preparation for the rally, beginning three days in advance.
As for those who are feeling overwhelming sadness, IHS has your back. “The world is in mourning, and we are too,” said Principal Jason Trumble, standing before a room of weepy administrators. To help students grapple with the bodily harm that has come to their icon, Gina Amici—Dean of Students for 11th Grade & 12th Grade with last names Q – Z—will be leading daily five-hour-long crying sessions in the Kulp Dance Studio. Students are permitted to skip any class (with the exception of P.E.) to attend a crying session.
Finally, for those who are confused and scared about the future of flying, ICSD Communications Coordinator Margaux Dey will be hosting Q&A sessions Friday nights in Q-Gym for the next six weeks, at which any and all members of the Ithaca community are welcome to participate in an active discussion around airplane bathroom safety and learn about what we are doing at IHS to combat the issue. “The best thing we can do at the moment is be grateful for the pristine and functional bathrooms we have at our high school, where accidents are rare,” said Ms. Dey.
Stay strong and stay safe, IHS. If you are struggling to cope with Rodrigo’s injury, there are opportunities for healing, right here at our school. It is vital to remember that the administration is here for you in these times of hardship.
