IHS administrators are facing an unprecedented crisis: students are treating attendance like a suggestion rather than a requirement. With more empty desks than occupied ones, the school hallways resemble a ghost town, and teachers have begun taking attendance by simply noting who isn’t missing. Concerned parents have tried bribing their kids with everything from extra screen time to money, but the allure of sleeping in has proven too strong. Desperate for a solution, the IHS administration knew it was time for drastic action.
Last month, IHS unveiled a bold and innovative policy to curb chronic absenteeism: Compulsory Extraction Program. Under this groundbreaking system, students who fail to show up will receive surprise home visits from teachers, who will drag them to school—whether they like it or not. “We’re talking full SWAT-style extractions,” said Acting Principal Martha Hardesty. “If they won’t come to us, we’ll go to them.” The school has already purchased a fleet of unmarked vans, and parents are being encouraged to leave their doors unlocked for easy access. Early reports indicate a forty percent increase in attendance. However, as students come up with their own creative responses, like hiding in crawl spaces to evade capture, the policy might lose some of its effect.
Since the policy has gone into effect, suspension rates have gone up almost seven percent due to student resistance. In one recent case, an “extractor” barged into the home of a student on N. Cayuga St. where he was met by a round house kick to the gut, sending him out the door, tumbling on the steps backwards. When questioned on this, acting Principal Martha Hardesty said “School is a privilege, and we will make sure students receive this privilege whether they like it or not. Actions like these will not go unnoticed however, and students will be faced with consequences, or harsher extractions.”
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