Disclaimer: The Tattler Editorial Board understands that the bathroom monitors were implemented for student safety and does not intend to mock any situations that made this change necessary.
On Monday, November 4, IHS students received a video announcement from the administrators unveiling updated bathroom and hallway policies. Students are now required to carry color-coded passes matching their designated hallway whenever they need to use the restroom. Additionally, to ensure students are engaging in only the most responsible of bathroom behaviors, a teacher or administrator is stationed diligently outside every restroom during every period. The Tattler Editorial Board believes that not only should these policies continue, but also be expanded into all aspects of student life for maximum effectiveness.
The new bathroom policies have been met with praise from students, teachers, and administrators alike. Students, in particular, have noted how transformative the policies have been. There has been a dramatic reduction in vaping and class-skipping. The presence of a teacher stationed outside the bathroom has decreased students’ desire to vape. Nicotine addictions across the student body have nearly vanished in recent months. According to a recent investigation by The Tattler, the number of students mysteriously contracting a “bathroom cough” during the school day has plummeted by ninety-two percent. One junior even stated, “The idea of my history teacher standing right outside the bathroom while I take a hit makes me feel oddly judged. Now, I just go to class instead.”
Wandering the hallways is another relic of the past. With teachers stationed at every corner, students no longer feel tempted to meander aimlessly. Instead, they have redirected their energy into greater participation in class. “I used to roam the halls to avoid Chemistry,” one sophomore admitted. “But now that my English teacher is always watching, I’ve discovered that titrations are actually bearable.” Teachers and administrators have observed increased attendance and a 150 percent bump in the number of raised hands. Teachers have also found profound personal fulfillment in their new roles as bathroom monitors. Bathroom supervision has allowed them to develop deep, personal bonds with students they otherwise wouldn’t have gotten to know. Many have expressed a sense of overwhelming joy upon seeing familiar faces using the restroom, explaining how the out-of-class contact has allowed them to understand their students better. “Bathroom duty is the highlight of my day,” shared one math teacher. “I used to find meaning in quadratic functions. Now, I find it in the duty of ensuring that the second stall on the right side of the downstairs H bathroom remains a safe space for all.” Another teacher went so far as to state that, “If the policy was ever revoked, I would continue to watch over the bathrooms on a volunteer basis.”
Administrators have discovered yet another unexpected benefit from new bathroom policies: identifying and eliminating nonessential school facilities. After locking bathrooms deemed unnecessary, they found that students hardly noticed the loss of their nearby restrooms. “We realized students are extremely adaptable,” one of the associate principals explained. “If we shut down their hallway bathroom, they just hold it until they get home. We could potentially save up to 500,000 dollars of toilet water per semester. Efficiency at its finest.” Administrators have indicated they are looking to shut down even more facilities if the opportunity arises.
In light of these overwhelming successes, The Tattler Editorial Board firmly believes that these policies must be continued and also expanded. Instead of sitting outside of the bathrooms, teachers should be stationed directly outside of individual stalls, old-style clipboards in hand, ready to offer real-time feedback on proper bathroom etiquette. This would encourage students to forge much more personal connections with their teachers while also ensuring that the bathroom stays clean. One proposal suggests that teachers track productivity by timing how long students take in a stall. If a student exceeds their allocated two-minute limit, they will receive a firm knock on the door along with an encouraging reminder. Under a closer gaze by a teacher, students will be more likely to ensure the stall is tidy before they exit, preventing them from doing things like putting lunch plates in the toilet or leaving the remnants of their bathroom visit on the toilet seat.
To further increase efficiency, certain academic courses should integrate bathroom monitoring into the curriculum. In AP Psychology, students will analyze why bathroom monitoring enhances discipline and learn how to please the administrators. AP Statistics students will collect data on the probability of finding full paper towel rolls and soap dispensers at a given time in the school day to determine the optimal period for bathroom use. During Participation in Government, students will study surveillance policies and their application to hallway behavior.
The entire student body should also be regularly reminded of teachers’ dedication to bathroom duty. Rather than making overhead announcements when a teacher is missing from duty, schools should begin every period with a tribute to these bathroom heroes. IHS should implement a daily ceremony, “The Honorary Flush” which will highlight one star monitor and commemorate all those who have dedicated their careers to keeping our stalls safe. These regular reminders will enhance students’ appreciation for the essential service of their teachers, and now, no teacher needs to be singled out.
Of course, the success of administrative monitoring must extend beyond the bathrooms. Teachers should be assigned to all school exits during Universal Lunch (UL), verifying that students who are leaving are seniors who have signed out at the Welcome Center. Seniors should be required to carry enhanced color-coded passes embedded with GPS tracking for maximum safety. Staff members can also be stationed inside local businesses during UL, like The Botanist and Papa John’s, ensuring only seniors can enter. If any underclassmen attempts to purchase a slice of pizza or a medium iced matcha, a faculty member will have the right to consume their food and respectfully guide them back to campus. The restrooms within these businesses are no exception and will also be placed under strict surveillance. If a business cannot find monitors during a certain class period, they will be required to close at that time of the day.
Additionally, a new supervision initiative will ensure that students engage in only the most appropriate forms of public displays of affection. Teachers will be stationed in hallways to gently separate couples if they appear to be standing within six inches of each other for more than ten seconds. “This is about keeping our school environment professional,” one administrator explained. “We hope to mitigate the hallway congestion during passing periods.” Still, if two students desire to continue their flirting in the halls, an administrator will be happy to hold both of their hands and promote the virtual “only-an-admin-away” connection.
With the overwhelming successes of IHS bathroom policies, it is clear that similar programs are needed in every aspect of student life. Through these initiatives, we can ensure that every student is accounted for, every teacher is fulfilled, and every administrator is happy.
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