Emotions are running wild following the first several months of Donald Trump’s second presidential term. Many liberal students at IHS feel disenchanted with the political system, but hold moral objections to violent protest. Nonviolent civil disobedience is equally implausible due to the lack of student patience and self-control.
A panel of student thinkers instead met last Monday to discuss the creation of a safe space for students to air their frustrations without a commitment to any difficult community organizing. As one panel member told The Tattler, “The fundamental issue is that we don’t have the attention spans or intellectual discipline to do anything more than complain uselessly.” Several other panelists nodded their heads in agreement, expressing a commitment to providing entirely impractical avenues for student political engagement. After several days of debate, the committee has decided that the solution to IHS’s political anxiety and systemic distrust is an underground “scream-bunker.” “The idea is simple,” said committee leader Sigma Alpha ’25, “Whenever a student feels angry at our corrupt politicians, the billionaires cashing out on our hard work, or any number of concerns, they should enter the bunker and scream as loud as possible.”
Initial polls suggest that seventy-six percent of the student body supports the proposition without any amendments, while an additional twenty-three percent are tentatively in favor but caution that such a simple solution may not solve the enormous problem at hand. They suggest that the bunker be decked out with a gaming room (for students too stressed to attend class) and a series of dart boards with political leaders’ faces on them. The most popular dart board targets are President Donald Trump, Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and Elon Musk. A fringe group of student activists go as far as to suggest providing voodoo dolls to all IHS students and inserting at least fifteen minutes into the school schedule for “pricking,” in the hopes that senators on Capitol Hill viscerally feel Ithacan anger.
IHS administration released a statement today pledging “complete and total support” for the bunker plan, although they have expressed concern that students may not feel safe entering a tightly confined underground space, especially considering the growing contingent of IHS students who believe they were buried alive in a previous life. The IHS student union recognizes administration’s concerns but counters that an even greater proportion of students believe they are vampires and thus cannot experience prolonged sun exposure.
As of yet, the White House has released no statement regarding the IHS student protests, but the Board of Education has lawyers on hand in case the bunker is classified as a “DEI program.”
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