In Washington, D.C., baseball is no joke. Every June, our big, beautiful, powerful, glorious, magnificent, sanctimonious elephants and donkeys trade the Capitol building for the sacred diamond. There, the most powerful people in our country lace up their orthopedics and square off in an all-American game of congressional baseball.
A hotly debated topic this year has been the eligibility of Mitch McConnell in the outfield. His age is not the issue; he qualifies easily in that regard. It is more about his souped-up ComfyGo Compass GT3000 Heavy Duty. He has been a key outfielder for the Republican team for the last four decades and a critical part of the team’s six-year win streak. In center field, he boasts an impressive 98.23 percent fielding percentage and an enormously impressive 142 defensive runs saved across his career, although a majority of those have come since his partnership with the ComfyGo. He is no slouch at the plate either, boasting a 0.322 career average and blasting sixty-five homers. These stats, too, are shrouded in darkness, as a majority of the home runs have come after his dual shoulder replacement.
This brings us to a major issue. We all know that the people in Congress are exceptionally old. But the trend is only getting better, in the sense that they are getting older. Many of our congressmen have been undergoing techno-bionic treatments to ensure that their voting records remain as consistent as their donor lists.
Anyway, an unfortunate limitation of the game is the somewhat abstract age eligibility. To compete, polio must have been a real threat during the representative’s life. This is extremely unfortunate for the towering six-foot-eight Democrat John Fetterman, who was born just a few years after the vaccine’s public release in the 1960s. When asked why he has not considered switching teams in favor of the Republicans’ more lenient eligibility policy, he simply stated, “Because I’m a lifelong Republican,” only adding to the confusion.
One of the few bipartisan issues to pass was the addition of a geriatrician and cardiologist to both teams’ dugouts. Actually, that is not true. Both parties passed a bill allowing all players to gamble on the game even though eighty-six percent of Americans are in favor of a ban. Nancy Pelosi has spoken out vehemently, claiming that sports are a free market and she should be able to gamble on them. Questions have been raised about how she has amassed a net worth of over 262 million dollars on a salary of 174,000 dollars, but she simply stated that “fortune favors the bold” and declined to answer further questions.
Baseball is one of the few things in Washington with a strict limit, in the form of nine innings. Lawmakers on both sides have worked hard to fix this. Luckily, the solution is simple: whichever team is currently in the lead gets to rewrite how the runs are scored, hoping to change the game’s outcome.
Be First to Comment