Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): You’ll make up half of it, but it’ll be a bestseller. The cover will be an image of you…
Posts tagged as “Horoscopes”
Your New House Decor, According to Your Star Sign
By TARAN KNUTSON, VALENTINA LEBRET on December 2023
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): You’ll read a book about how caring for plants can help with stress, and suddenly you’ll have a watering…
How Will Your Sign Stay Warm This Month?
By TARAN KNUTSON, ZADIE WANG on November 2023
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): You think winter clothes are for suckers and instead will choose to wear four or five layered T-shirts. It…
Your New Musical Career, According To Your Star Sign
By VALENTINA LEBRET on October 2023
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): You will have an epiphany: no one has attempted another rap musical since Hamilton. No one, that is, until…
Your New Obscure Community, According to Your Star Sign
By ZADIE WANG on September 2023
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): You may have never imagined that the pet food taste-testing community would be for you, but it certainly is.…
What You Will Fall Over This Month
By NATALIE PATRONE on June 2023
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): You will have a dramatic and epic fall this month. Thankfully, your friends caught it on video and now…
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): As you’re hiking the Adirondacks one day, a slightly large squirrel will come out of nowhere and land on…
What Sign Secretly Loves (or Hates) You?
By ZADIE WANG on April 2023
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): Remember that one time you lost your cool and lashed out at a classmate in middle school? You bet,…
March Horoscopes 2023
By TANIA HAO on March 2023
The Signs as Competitors in a Televised Baking Contest Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): In the penultimate round, you have a vision for the…
February Horoscopes 2023
By FRANCES KLEMM on February 2023
What would you do ifyou were hit in the facewith a snowball? Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):You will assume it was thrown bysomeone trying…
Here’s What to Look Out for This Month, Based on Your Sign
By ZADIE WANG on November 2022
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): Be extra cautious about your health this month. Your constant agitation could lead to an unwelcome physical response. Aquarius…
Procrastinator? Here Are A Few Signs Of Being One:
By ETHAN CARLSON on May 2021
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): “I’m not procrastinating! I’ve just been taking a break for the past 2 hours.” Gemini (May 21 –…
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): Good Ending: You read the entirety of this newspaper, and you have never felt happier. Taurus (Apr 20…
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): π (pi): You prefer to leave your job half finished. Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): 𝛕 (tau):…
How Does Your Morning Start? Perhaps This Horoscope Can Find Out
By ETHAN CARLSON on February 2021
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): You do have an alarm set, but, admittedly, snooze it at least three times before actually getting up. …
Remember Those New-Year’s Resolutions From Last Year? Well, How Did You Do?
By ETHAN CARLSON on December 2020
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): It’s not very easy to be a better person in this social climate. Am I right? Capricorn (Dec…
What’s Your Favorite Drink? Perhaps This Horoscope Knows!
By ETHAN CARLSON on November 2020
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): Tea: You are diligent and reserved; you drink it because it’s cool, not because you need it. Sagittarius…
It’s Halloween! What Scary Situations Will You Get Stuck In?
By ETHAN CARLSON on October 2020
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): The lights in your house will go out because you thought you could make a smoothie while you vacuumed.…
What Did You Do This Summer? Perhaps This Horoscope Will Know!
By ETHAN CARLSON on September 2020
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): Admit it, you stayed at home. We all did. Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): You read so…
Well, You Made It Through The School Year. Now What?
By ETHAN CARLSON on June 2020
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): I’m finally going to relax and stay inside all day! Oh wait… Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22): …
Can This Horoscope Predict the Future? Probably Not, But Might as Well Try!
By ETHAN CARLSON on April 2020
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): By 2023, you’re probably going to have changed the lightbulbs in your house. Taurus (Apr 20 – May…
What Type of Ads Annoys You the Most?
By ETHAN CARLSON on March 2020
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): Pop-up ads: No matter where you go, no matter how productive you are at the moment, they will always…
Well, It’s Halfway Through the School Year. What Have You Learned?
By ETHAN CARLSON on February 2020
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): To NOT finish your homework the period before it’s due. Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): Adjusting to 5…
What Will Your New Year’s Resolution Be?
By ETHAN CARLSON on December 2019
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): To be a better person (on the inside). Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): To learn a new…
How Do You Prepare for Tests? If You Don’t Have a Strategy, This Horoscope Does!
By ETHAN CARLSON on November 2019
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): You have too many tests already. You just wing them all at this point. Sagittarius (Nov 22 –…
How Do You Sleep During the School Year? Perhaps This Horoscope Will Know!
By ETHAN CARLSON on October 2019
How Do You Sleep During the School Year? Perhaps This Horoscope Will Know! By ETHAN CARLSON Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): Around eight…
Horoscopes: School Supplies
By ETHAN CARLSON on September 2019
Don’t Know What Supplies to Get? Let This Horoscope Help You Out! Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): Pencil case: Whether expensive or cheap,…