Author’s Note: A work of fiction, just in case.
I, above all else, consider myself a man of greater rationality. I follow the scientists’ creed, of peering behind illusion, dissecting the unknown, and poking a great deal at many things that probably should not be poked. It is not despite this, but in fact because of this, that I have come to my determined conclusion, in fact the only conclusion that could be come to based on the many events that have occurred to me. This conclusion that I have reached, after extensive observation and rifling through empirical evidence, is that I am being repeatedly jested by a supernatural creature, which I have dubbed a House Gremlin (Dahlius vestades). This creature, likely of a fey or sylvan origin, has repeatedly worked upon me a great deal of petty mischief, including but not limited to the misplacing of my documents, the rearrangement of my bags, and most of all, the quite dastardly and continuous transportation of my eye glasses. Now, before you say to me “But, Pavan, what if you simply lost your glasses?” or “Is it possible you took those papers from your bags?” such as my unbelieving progenitors, allow me to enlighten you unto the great research and ponderance I put into this viciously tangled mystery in the spirit of inquiry. I shall do so in an ordered and claritous method, beginning now.
Fig.1: Bags and Paper
Those of you who know me closely may already know some of the fundamental elements of what I shall now begin discussing. For those of you who do not, however, allow me to elucidate you of my artistic pursuits. I play a variety of musical instruments, for which I must take multi-weekly lessons. In these lessons, I am granted music, books, and notes, and, to carry these various papers, I carry with me a bag. Within this bag is contained the sum vital texts of all of the five separate music lessons that I have each week. Due to this, the bag contains a variety of important papers for my use. It is here that the gremlin strikes, wreaking its tricks and tulgey magics upon me. Papers vanish, sheafs dematerialize, and my work is perpetually delayed. A similar phenomenon can be observed to my school bag, in which work assignments appear to be scratched, leaving no traces. And, yet again, in the eternal refrain that I have been oh so generously gifted by those around me, I am accused of having lost the work myself! No, I am no amnesiac, having simply lost memory of my belongings; the only conclusion considering this evidence is the gremlin.
Fig 2: Glasses
However tormentous the loss of my papers are, they cannot compare to the loss, ever repeating, of my glasses. Each time I have a pair for too long, something goes wrong. From their mysterious destruction, to their sudden transversance with their fellow spectacles, to even their vanishing upon aeroplanes (a gremlin’s natural habitat!). It is clear, despite the placating statements and accusatory invectives deployed in force against me, that an unseelie force simply must be against me to cause such colossal inconvenience. However, one may question the exact metaphysics behind the gremlin. What types of arcane tricksiness does it utilize against me? Rest assured that I have the answer.
Fig. 3: Metaphysics
To truly understand the Gremlin, we must understand the history of these creatures. Of course, throughout history many great thinkers have attempted to classify the fey, with many different theories being created and tested in this quest. We could, if we wished, go back to Aristotelian elemental physics, classifying the earth born nature of the gremlin, along with its more advanced associations with metal and shadow. However, the greatest text on gremlins can be most easily found: The Gremlins (1943), by Roald Dahl, a collection of texts, evidence, and theories about these creatures. Of course, Dahl focused on the Plane Gremlin, or Dahlius roaldi, rather than the house gremlin that I must contend with myself. However, this book is a treasure trove of tactics, weapons, and other pieces of knowledge to use against the fey menace.
It is here that I come to my conclusion. Through these absolutely empirical, undeniably correct observations and thoughts, I have decisively proved without a shadow of a doubt the existence of the gremlin, and its many tricks against me. The next step, obviously, is to work on combatting these mischievous tactics. In this pursuit, I hope to begin by mimicking the people of the British Isles, who have contended with fey for many millenia, and who live in the land where the gremlin as a species first originated. I shall use milk, kept in bowls, and hand sewn clothing in the hopes to placate and satisfy the gremlin, thus making a truce with it that will hopefully prove harmonious. If the method does not work or the truce falls through, then and only then I may be forced to look into methods involving cold iron. Given that I have just about exsanguinated this topic of all of its current worth, I ask ye faithful readers to wish me luck in my further pursuits.
Signing off,
Pavan Myers
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