With enrollment in ICSD steadily declining in the past decade, teachers end up teaching to more empty chairs than occupied ones. The district now faces a new question: What should be done with the empty elementary schools? Many of our eight elementary schools are only running at fifty to sixty percent of their full capacity, and a change is necessary. An ICSD statement released in January proclaimed that due to the significant decrease in district enrollment, the Board of Education has decided to close Enfield, Beverly J. Martin (BJM), and Cayuga Heights Elementary Schools in order to consolidate resources and maintain their commitment to educational excellence. Although troublesome to the students that currently attend these schools, with one Enfield student even stating, “Yeah it would be kinda sad, I guess,” the district would be set to save 6.5 million dollars annually with this decision. The Tattler Editorial Board encourages the decision and suggests that the district should ignore any ethical concerns it faces while it closes down the elementary schools in order to use the space and money for bigger and better things.
The Tattler suggests that Enfield should be transformed into a permanent phone storage center. Starting early next school year, confiscated phones from across the district should be sent to Enfield on school buses to be held until the end of the day. ICSD must ensure that the storage facilities are reinforced with military-grade locks and security systems. Enfield is the best option out of the three as it is the farthest from the secondary schools, decreasing the risk of students breaking through the advanced security system and retrieving their devices.
BJM’s space should be used to create ICSD’s very own admin bootcamp. This program would be separated into units for middle school and high school, training admin to be as successful as possible at maintaining order. The lead trainer of this new operation? The world-famous iron fist, Martha Hardesty. Admin would have the opportunity to train at the new bootcamp for up to twenty paid hours each week. ICSD should hire three instructors that each specialize in a different crucial skill. One instructor would lead a class on detecting and confiscating phones. The curriculum should include lectures and high tech simulations on how to detect phones that are hidden away in pockets, as well as the complicated technique of taking phones from uncooperative students. Another instructor would give admin a crash course on walkie-talkie codes. This would allow admin to communicate privately with one another without nosy students eavesdropping. The last instructor will teach administrators how to use their senses to detect vapes on students. This course will go into details on how to tell if and when a student has vaped as well as the art of smelling vapes through the floor to ceiling bathroom stall doors at IHS.
As for Cayuga Heights, The Tattler Editorial suggests remediating the pressing problem of waking up in the morning thinking, “I want to rock some ICSD merch but I don’t have any.” The solution could be in the form of an all-new thirty-thousand-square-foot ICSD merchandise store, built in the center of Cayuga Heights. The new store would feature ICSD branded socks, hats, underwear, bathing suits, towels, Dr. Luvelle Brown NeeDohs, backpacks, pencils, notebooks, Chromebooks, pants, ski jackets, umbrellas, and lunchboxes. Along with these common necessities, exclusive items like a two-thousand-dollar bedazzled bobble head of Principal Arnold, and ICSD branded credit cards that only offer discounts for the merch store and no cash back, will also be for sale. The two-floor layout would have different sections for each of the school sports and offer personalized gear for every player. District officials estimate that the new store will increase school spirit by over 247 percent and drastically improve the football team’s record. All store proceeds will be used to fund Dr. Brown’s million dollar contract renewal in 2035.
Even after all these proposed renovations, ICSD would still have a significant amount of money left. The Tattler Editorial Board believes that the remaining funds should be used to make improvements to IHS. One way to spend the money would be to permanently purchase the bouncy house and cotton candy machine used for IHS events. Usually, IHS rents them for special occasions like Fall Festival or Field Day, but with the extra money, IHS students and staff would be able to enjoy freshly made cotton candy and have fun in the bounce house year-round.
With the major problem of slow walkers in our IHS hallways, The Tattler also suggests installing airport-style walkway belts. We predict that these moving walkways would be able to cut down commute time between classes by up to seventy percent. These walkways could also keep students calmer by assuring them that they are still moving, even when stuck behind others who seem to be incapable of taking more than five steps per minute.
To cope with the heat of Ithaca summers, The Tattler recommends that permanent walk-in freezers with vape-smoke detecting technology be installed in every classroom. No longer would teachers have to resort to box fans and open windows in the sticky heat of the warmer months. With walk-in freezers, students would be able to instantly cool down, giving them more time to focus and peace of mind, increasing test scores by a predicted thirty percent.
Since Enfield, BJM, and Cayuga Heights are set to shut down, the Tattler Editorial Board believes the resources saved should be used for improvements to our district. We determine that using the money for things such as a merch store and automated walkways are the best options for renovations, compared to less practical uses of the money like paying our teachers.
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