“And the Lord said unto Steve: in the coming Sabbath shall I go out into the Quadrangle of Arts of the High School of Ithaca, and all of the toilets in the land shall fall into disrepair. From the lowly toilets of Upper G, even unto the pristine stalls of K.
And the Superintendent’s toilet shall spill forth like a bursting flood, and his stool shall harden.
But the students shall know that deliverance is anon. And fanfare shall ring out from the band and joyous voices will come forth from the choir as they are freed from urinary urgency.
And thou shalt tell them that it was the Lord their God who liberated them from their peril.”
Following the recent unexplained explosion of Superintendent Luvelle Brown’s personal toilet, the Board of Education has set district-wide infrastructure reform into motion. All ICSD schools will be seeing some improvements to provisions of utilities such as water and electricity. However, plumbing repairs will largely be centered around the IHS A-Building, where bathroom-related incidents have been escalating for the past several years.
This is to say, these improvements have been long-awaited. The most notable of the crises leading up to these reforms occurred last year. When a fire alarm went off in the middle of a heavy downpour, students were corralled into Kulp Auditorium to get shelter from the storm, only to meet a wet deluge of another sort: the runoff of an exploded urinal, which was flooding the auditorium. This event foreshadowed a series of similar toilet pipe malfunctions, which have yet to cease. However, with the promise of new improvements to plumbing, the music students who often inhabit A are hopeful.
So, why did it take so long to make reforms? Many suspect that the straw which broke the camel’s back, so to speak, was the sudden demise of Dr. Brown’s personal toilet. On this past Monday, most residents of Fall Creek awoke in the middle of the night to what can only be described as an eruption from the nearby high school. Shards of ceramic debris were found scattered around the administrative L-Building, and a fetid odor emerged from somewhere within. Most members of the central administration have declined to come into work since the incident.
However, administrators are taking action from afar. Further forensic investigation suggests that Dr. Brown’s toilet succumbed to the same fate as an infamous Lower-G toilet which overflowed many months ago after being subjected to seven vapes stuffed down its pipes. As a result, administrators are saying new pipes installed at the high school will be vape-proof. Bathroom trash cans will be reformed likewise, in order to prevent further vape-induced trash fires. Drainage pipes will also finally be installed in Kulp, such that in the event of another bathroom mishap, the auditorium will suffer minimally for it.
ICSD officials also say that such thorough reworking of our underground infrastructures opens some exciting doors. For instance, new temporary classrooms might be built underground as we run out of space above; students could get prime educational opportunities to learn about our pipes up close. Board members are in strong support, stating that “teens these days squander the privilege of daylight anyways,” and “if they’re reading by the light of their phone screens anyways, what does actual sunlight matter to them?” Administration tells us that the realization of this new initiative is still up in the air; regardless, we have Dr. Brown’s toilet to thank for some concrete improvements.
Though tragedy has struck the ICSD, students and faculty alike are hopeful for the future. Plumbing issues have plagued our schools for a long time now, and we are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. As one hopeful junior most succinctly put it, “Indeed, our salvation is upon us.”
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