With Ilia Malinin’s appearance at the Milano Cortina Winter Olympics once again placing the skating prodigy under intense scrutiny, millions of fans have begun to wonder the same question: how does one prepare to skate on the world’s most important ice cube? After conducting an exclusive interview with Malinin, I can finally reveal the daily life of the Quad God.
He begins each morning at the bright and early hour of 10:30 am. While arising much later than most skaters, Malinin believes the extra snoozing time allows for the atoms in his body to align properly for optimal jumping ability. Upon awaking from a deep, quad-dream-filled slumber, he does what most other twenty-one year olds do: he checks his phone. But unlike the typical twenty-one year old, Malinin often accidentally lands a quad toe loop when walking across his room to unplug his phone. After successfully grabbing his phone, and landing a quad, Malinin heads to the kitchen to eat breakfast. According to Malinin, breakfasts suitable for the Quad God must consist of three things: scrambled eggs, chocolate milk, a carb, and one activity that violates basic laws of physics. On most mornings, he opts for a buttered bagel with eggs, and lands another quad jump while reaching for his Nesquik chocolate milk (and before you ask, no, Nesquik hasn’t sponsored him yet).
After breakfast and a quick stretching session at home, Malinin typically heads to practice, where coaches have reportedly asked him to limit himself to “a reasonable number of quadruple jumps before lunch.” Sources say that this request has largely been ignored. When Malinin’s coaching staff were asked about their request, one coach explained that they “just want him to remember triples and doubles exist.” Malinin himself confirmed that he often aims above-and-beyond in morning practice sessions, as the chocolate milk is still flowing through his blood. Each morning he lands an average of thirteen quads (he performs no triples or doubles in case you were wondering), bringing him to fifteen quads before he’s even had lunch!
Lunch is very important to Malinin as it is the most quad-filled part of the day. To reenergize for later practices, he drinks a quad espresso and a bottle of water with quad-blend electrolytes. He also makes sure to land one more quad offhandedly while drinking his electrolytes. As for the meal itself, lunch for Malinin consists of spaghetti with meatballs (four to be precise) and four Quadratini chocolate wafers. Lunch is also the time of day when Malinin stalks himself online. When asked the most fascinating thing he has read about himself, he recalled being “intrigued to learn of physicists expressing concern over [his] jumps and disregard for angular momentum.” Malinin thinks his daily chocolate milk is partially responsible for his physics-defying jumps, but he won’t be confident in this statement until Nesquik sponsors him. Following lunch Malinin returns to his local ice cube to practice some more quads with teammates. Malinin’s teammates insist that Malinin is a completely normal person, only performing quad jumps while doing basic activities like tying his sneakers, opening car doors, and after eating a Hershey’s chocolate bar.
Malinin ends his skating day at 4:30 pm, after which he picks up a burger at Five Guys (which he believes should be renamed Four Guys) and heads home, making sure to land a quad in the Five Guys parking lot. Upon arriving at home, Malinin gobbles his dinner and microwaves some popcorn to snack on while playing Figure Skating Legends. Then at 6:30, Malinin is ready to go to bed and do everything again in the morning.
Malinin’s final message to you is that he just wants to live a normal life, but this goal has become even more complicated by the fact he recently landed a new quintuple jump while microwaving his daily popcorn.
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