In shocking news that absolutely nobody could have predicted (except everyone who has ever used the main building bathrooms), sources close to the administration of IHS have accidentally leaked a new initiative: Project Ew No.1— a “strategic scent deployment,” designed to discourage students from using the bathroom altogether.
This plan comes at a convenient time, considering the school’s ongoing crises of students skipping classes in the bathroom since implementing the gender neutral stalls. Naturally, the IHS administration has responded by assigning bathroom duties to teachers instead of themselves because they have “too big of a duty of snatching phones out of students’ backpacks.” That’s right, educators already balancing lesson plans, grades, and the daily challenge of getting students to read directions that are literally on the board, are now stationed outside the bathrooms.
But, according to multiple reports, bathroom duty is no longer just supervision. It is data collection. Under Project Ew No. 1, teachers are reportedly not only expected to monitor traffic, but also to assist in what one source described as “odor reinforcement:” the strategic spraying of what students have dubbed “poop spray.” While administration has not confirmed exactly what is in the bottle, witnesses describe its scent with “notes of porta-potty in August,” “expired sewer water,” and “something that feels is medically concerning.” Teachers are then expected to record “observational metrics” as students approach the restroom, enter, and immediately reconsider every life choice they have ever made. One source leaked the “Bathroom Observation Sheet” which measures categories such as gag intensity (on a scale from 1 to 10), doorway free time (seconds), immediate U-turn (yes or no), and facial reactions. What began as a way to discourage skipping has evolved into a full-scale scientific experiment measuring how effectively horrific odor can enforce school policies.
According to documents that were found attached to a clipboard underneath a stationed desk in front of the bathrooms, the logic is simple. If students are scared of the bathroom odor, they stop gathering there, and if they have nowhere else to gather, they stop signing out of the classrooms, resulting in fewer people missing class. This strategy is referred to by experts as “removing the location, not the problem.”
The administrative team describes this as “reducing hallway travel,” but students have defined it with a more accurate term: psychological warfare.
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