1. A vape: This one was fished out from the depths of a K-Bathroom toilet. It shouldn’t work, but it absolutely does. Obviously it won’t be going to use, but as they say, it takes one to know one!
2. Giant Metal Detector: The stories of phones ripped from pockets are true, but they wouldn’t be possible without this key player. The added hundreds of pounds are a burden, but it’s well worth it. The extra metal helps our admin sound even more menacing as they round the corner to H-Courtyard. The only downside is that they crash the clock software with their ultra-intense magnet stuff.
3. Liquid IV: Chasing down delinquent children is hard work for these people! I’ve heard that sometimes they even wear the TikTok wrist weights during crossing guard duty (toned arms are for all genders, thank you very much). To stay hydrated is to live another day.
4. Cyberpouch: Their phones are obviously never in this. This is where the students’ phones go, not teachers’! All admin keep them on hand to give to students when they feel they’re headed astray. For some, it’s a physical reminder of the duty they swore to uphold (the symbolic weight almost surpasses the physical weight of the metal detector).
5. Keys: The louder the better.
6. An out-of-order sign: These are for when they’d like to keep one of only four stalls in each bathroom to themselves. It’s more effective than a lock, and even a homemade one looks perfectly legit.
7. NeeDoh: Useful both as a stress reliever and as a projectile if seniors try to leave without signing out (they save a really big one for juniors). I heard they are considering installing a slingshot-style cannon in front of the Welcome Center, as they recently placed an order for thousands more fidget toys turned windshield-breakers.
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