In a stunning turn of events, Ithaca City School District (ICSD) Superintendent Luvelle Brown triumphantly announced at the Board of Education meeting last night that…
Posts tagged as “APRIL FOOLS’”
Board of Education Doxes Student Reps to the Board
By CHILD WELFARE ADVOCATE on April 2021
In the most heated Board of Education (BoE) Zoom meeting yet, the student representatives to the board hailing from Ithaca High School delivered a public…
Virtual Swim Unit Flounders
By MICHAEL PHELPS on April 2021
It began with the buses: the kiddie pools didn’t fit. ICSD, used to accommodating every orientation, tried sideways, vertical, and diagonal to no avail. Finally,…
Big Luve in GQ
By THE STUDENT REPS TO THE BOARD on April 2021
Ithaca City School District (ICSD) students were surprised to find an interview with Superintendent Luvelle “Big Luve” Brown on the website of popular magazine GQ…
CollegeBoard to Use uQuiz to Administer AP Exams
By A BENEDICTINE MONK on April 2021
The one-year anniversary for the school shutdown has just passed, and that means AP exams are rolling around the corner like a high-speed car with…
Serial Face Thief Still at Large
By MAXI LO FACIAL on April 2021
“I’m terrified,” one student wrote in a recent anonymous survey. “I thought I would be safe in my own home, but now that I know…
The (Biggest) Problem with Schools
By BETSY DeVOS on April 2021
Public schools in the United States are plagued by countless inefficiencies, controversies, obstacles, and difficulties. Moreover, the specific manifestations of these problems vary between school…
Coolness Spectrum
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on April 2021
The 2020 Republican Field
By THE RATTLER NEWS NETWORK on April 2020
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for the Tattler’s April Fools’ issue As the Democratic primaries eliminate one prominent unknown politician for months on…
Future AP Classes
By TOTALLY REAL COLLEGE BOARD on April 2020
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for the Tattler’s April Fools’ issue The following message has been sent from the Totally Real College Board…
Nine O’Clock on a Saturday: A Playlist
By PUKAS OHTA on April 2020
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for the Tattler’s April Fools’ issue Music is dead. Just like many things in the world today,…
Notorious Denim Cobras Strike Again
By O. RATS on April 2020
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for the Tattler’s April Fools’ issue A second infestation has struck at the very heart of our fair…
IHS To Replace Staircases with Slides
By THE JASON TRUMBLE FAN CLUB on April 2020
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for the Tattler’s April Fools’ issue In a survey the Ithaca High School (IHS) Student Council sent out…
Last week, IHS students were shaken by a sudden proclamation from the principal. “Attention, students,” Mr. Trumble’s voice said over the announcements. “It is with…
Industry Giants Taken Down By #MeToo Win Big At Oscars
By RONAN FARROW on April 2019
The 91st Annual Academy Awards had some surprises when it came to winners. The Best Soundtrack winner, an audio clip published by the New Yorker…
Leftist Infighting
By ALLEGED WRECKER on April 2019
This week, IHS’s political clubs experienced an unexpected realignment. The Communalist Center Party (CCP), a club founded two years ago with the goal of spreading…
Maoist Boe
By THIRD WORLD PROBLEM on April 2019
With the fight against raising teachers’ salaries in full swing, Dr. Luvelle Brown and ICSD’s Central Administration decided to innovate their tactics. After a long…
Luvelle Brown Sues the Louvre
By THE GRAND LUVE PYRAMID on April 2019
On February 29, 2019, ICSD staff and students learned that Superintendent Luvelle Brown, better known as “Big Luve,” would be using the district’s legal team…
H-Courtyard Quarantined After Latest Senioritis Outbreak
By JULIAN PERRY on April 2019
Throughout March, thirteen members of the class of 2019 were hospitalized after showing symptoms for the serious medical condition known as “senioritis.” After it was…
Traffic Lights and Turn Signals in School: IHS’s Hallway Traffic Revolution
By Explosive Unicycle on April 2019
You find yourself walking at what most would consider a normal pace (~1.5 steps/sec) between the cafeteria and G-building to get to your next class…
GreenStar to Stop Selling Firearms to Customers Under 21
By AN AR-15 on April 2018
In a show of support for the movement to end gun violence, local organic food co-op and firearms manufacturer GreenStar announced on March 14 that…
IHS Rocked by Violent Revolt
By COMRADE GUTMAN on April 2018
On March 6, 2018, IHS teacher Matthew Prokosch led an uprising against the school administration. The uprising started when armed janitors organized by Prokosch joined…
Mock Trial Files Lawsuit Against Fun Fact of the Day
By JUDGE JUDY on April 2018
Of all the divisive issues that plague our community, such as musical casting, gun control, and the like, there is perhaps no more hotly debated…
Lil’ Red Replaces Cleveland Browns in NFL
By THE IHS MASCOT on April 2018
On February 29, in a shocking turn of events, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the IHS Boys Varsity Football team would swap places with…
Unmasking IHS’s Headmaster: Professor Trumbledore
By RITA SKEETER on April 2018
A miraculously reincarnated Albus Dumbledore has come to Ithaca to realize his “lifelong dream of returning to the Muggle world and observing Muggles in their…
On March 5, seniors weren’t surprised to see that H-Courtyard had been closed off yet again. A yellowish crumpled piece of paper taped haphazardly to…
ICSD held its annual Spring Commendation ceremony on March 13, 2018 in Kulp Auditorium. Among recipients of certificates and awards were the maintenance workers of…